Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
