I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
