bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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