My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
