Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
