Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
