once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize