please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
me + whiskey = a bad person
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
