I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The ass gains better be worth it
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