if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
