I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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