haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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