so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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