your parents love me but you hate me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
