I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize