Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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