Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The uberlube is also flammable
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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