I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I skipped work to stalk him.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
