Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just invented taco cereal.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
