my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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