New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize