I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
