ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
