I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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