Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
