I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
