You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
