My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
