im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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