sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
