I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
