The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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