dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
