he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
