Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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