I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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