does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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