Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
