Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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