At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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