im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So squirting runs in the family.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
