I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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