ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
