Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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