The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
