I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
