I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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