My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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