the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
