I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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