I want you more than these girls want KFC
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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