if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
