I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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