i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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