Quick, to the slutcave!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
