My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
