someone threw a dead crab at me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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