duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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