Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
