you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
