you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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