Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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