i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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