after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize