I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
