Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
