Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
