I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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