yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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