I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just pee around me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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