Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
