Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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