I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
